


Every Now And Then I Fall Apart

by carnivalinsidemyhead



Category: Take That
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic, Wilderness years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22747615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carnivalinsidemyhead/pseuds/carnivalinsidemyhead
Summary: Basically I turned the lyrics to “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” and “Alone Without You” into a Willowen angst fic.
Relationships: Mark Owen/Robbie Williams
Kudos: 7





	Every Now And Then I Fall Apart

~My friends ask about you and I say that you’re just fine.~

It was the question he dreaded most, the one that always came up in every interview. 

“Do you keep in touch with Robbie? Are you still close?”

It threw him off each time, no matter how much he was expecting it, hearing it was a blow to the gut and it would always take him a moment to compose his face into a forced smile and say something about how Rob’s really busy and not had much time to get together recently but he’s still his mate and then crack a joke and hope that he didn’t come across as too pathetic.

“Recently” being the past five years, barring the occasional soccer game or booty call, but they didn’t need to know that.

Deflect and smile, deflect and smile. If being in Take That had taught him nothing else, it had taught him how to deflect and smile. 

He was just out of practice doing interviews. He’d get back in the swing soon enough and stop showing any sign of vulnerability.

~Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.~

Mark wished he could get over Rob. Lord knows he’d tried. But nothing else, no one else ever compared to him. 

No one else even came close. Mark knew he was pathetic, hanging on like he did, begging for any scrap of attention Rob might toss his way.

He knew but he couldn’t seem to care.

He sighed as he left yet another voicemail. 

“Hey, heard you were in town. Give me a ring if you get a chance. Fancy coming round to mine? I’ll make you your favorite and wear that shirt you said you loved taking off me.”

~I listened to your album.~

He put Escapology on the stereo to kill the time while he waited for Rob to call him back and tried not to think too hard about how he couldn’t seem to find any message to him in any of the songs and how much distance there was between them now.

It was a far cry from being told Rob would shelter him and hold him near.

He was a fool to have believed him. To have believed that fame wouldn’t change Rob. 

But to be fair, how was he to have expected it? Rob had been famous before. He’d been famous for almost as long as Mark had known him. 

Only he’d never been as famous as this. 

And Mark hadn’t expected to not be famous anymore. Or to mostly be known for winning a daft television contest.

Still, he would have thought that it shouldn’t make any difference to Rob, their not being on the same fame level anymore. Not if he still cared.

He wondered more and more if he still cared at all.

~I’m always in the dark.~

Rob might not call back. He might call back in a month. He might show up unannounced at 2 a.m. Or show up uninvited six months from now.

Or he might surprise him and call back at a reasonable time and give Mark ample notice as to when to expect him.

There was always a first time for everything.

In the meantime, Mark might as well start dinner. He could always heat it up again for Rob. And if it happened to be Rob’s favorite, well then, fine. Not like Mark didn’t like it too. 

He could have a nice meal and a nice evening, with or without Rob. 

~The truth is you’re not here and I’m screwed up again.~

He downed his third glass of wine and willed himself not to look at the phone or the clock.

He couldn’t keep himself from the drawer with old letters from Rob in it, though.

So many dreams in those letters that he thought would materialize but were never seen. 

Maybe he’d read too much into them. Rob frequently wasn’t much of a letter writer, his letters didn’t usually amount to much besides painstakingly typing “I LOVE YOU” over and over in all caps, although occasionally he’d send letters that were just pages of rambling on about every random thing in his head.

Still it’s hard not to get your hopes up when someone tells you they love you so many times.

He’d thought Rob had meant it. Or at least that “I love you” meant something. Meant that he wanted a future with Mark.

~I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.~

He picked up the phone again, sighing when it once again went straight to voicemail.

“Hey it’s me again. Really miss you today…”

He downed another glass of wine and carried on talking. 

“Always miss ya, Rob. Please come round tonight? I’ll make ya feel so good, I swear I will. Please. I really need you tonight.”

He hung up before he started crying and embarrassed himself further. He was getting so tired of the sound of his tears.

~Did I ever say I just need your love?~

He was now officially drunk and as such in absolutely no condition to call Rob again.

So of course he was going to. 

“You...you said this isn’t yet our time..you told me that when you left the band, but, Rob, when is it going to be our time? When? I’ve been waiting for so long and I-I just need your love, Rob. Please. I can’t...I can’t take it anymore. I can’t keep pretending everything is fine…”

He gulped back a sob.

“I want you back again. That’s all I want in the world.”

~Once upon a time there was light in my life.~

They’d been so happy together, him and Rob. So very happy. Things weren’t always great in the band for them, especially for Rob, but the two of them? They were each other’s sunlight. 

Everyone always said that Mark was always smiling and what a lovely, friendly lad he was but no one ever made him smile like Rob did. 

No one seemed to notice that he didn’t smile nearly as much these days. 

(Mind you, no one had really noticed him much at all until the past few months.)

Rob had never been the happy go lucky smiley type. It just wasn’t his nature. But Mark could make him smile. Mark could always make him smile. No matter how down Rob was. In ways that were naughty and in ways that were sweet.

He could always make Rob smile.

Then suddenly he couldn’t anymore.

~I’m spending time with hope~

Maybe he was foolish for thinking he’d get Rob back again. Sometimes, like tonight, he found himself very nearly giving up hope. 

But he never gave up hope completely. Because behind all the doubts and the insecurity that plagued him, he still had the conviction that Rob still loved him.

He couldn’t explain how or why he had the conviction and he sometimes felt like Rob didn’t always remember that he loved him, but he knew he was loved.

He just wanted Rob to start treating him like he was loved again like he had in the early days and not like an afterthought or a dirty little secret.

~Now there’s only love in the dark~

Mark loved the nights when Rob would turn up and they would tumble into bed together, god how he loved those nights. But he was starting to hate them as much as he loved them because they were always followed by a morning of Rob being distant and distracted and then leaving far too soon. 

He deserved to be more than a booty call. To be treated better than a groupie. 

Yet here he was, begging Rob for another hookup tonight. He really needed to have more self respect. He loved Rob and wanted him back, but enough was enough.

He picked up the phone again and left yet another voicemail. Perhaps the wine gave him courage, perhaps not, but he probably wouldn’t have let the message if he were sober.

“Hey Rob, it’s Mark. Again. Listen, I don’t know if you got all my messages before but you know what? Forget it. Just forget it. Cos you’re just gonna fuck me and run like you always do, just fuck and run. And I’m sick of it, alright? I’m sick of it! I’m so damn sick of you acting like you don’t care about me anymore…”

He sighed heavily. “If you’re gonna fuck and run again like you always do, if you’re not gonna stay, then please...just...just stay away tonight.”

~What am I to do?~

Oh god. Oh god, what had he done? Rob was going to think he hated him. Oh god. Why had he done that? Why had he said those things?

“Because Rob needs to hear them,” a voice inside him said.

“I’m gonna lose him now. And what am I alone without him?” Mark asked the voice inside him.

“Yeah I know. I’m already alone without him. And going mental on top of it since I’m sat here talking to meself.”

He ran his hands through his hair in frustration and rubbed at his face and paced around restlessly before giving up and flopping down on the couch with the remote. Maybe he’d find something on television to distract him. 

~ Forever’s gonna start tonight~

He dozed off in the middle of a movie and was startled awake by the loud discordant noise of his door buzzer. 

He took a sleepy glance at the clock. 3:15. His heart started pounding wildly because only one person would show up at 3:15 in the morning.

He stumbled to the door and cautiously opened it.

And there, on the threshold, with a suitcase in either hand and two more at his feet, stood Rob.

Who looked really nervous.

“I...um... I got your messages. All of them actually. And um...I did a lot of thinking tonight ... and...can I come in?”

Mark nodded.

“I’m sorry, Mark. You’re right. I’ve been a twat to you. An absolute twat.”

Mark shook his head. “I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m so embarrassed about it. I just get so insecure sometimes that you want to leave me in the past and that the best of all the years we had together have already gone by.”

Rob sighed. “I think maybe I kinda did. Wanted to escape those memories so much that I shut you out cos you were part of those memories.”

Mark looked at him anxiously.

“Do you still?”

Rob shook his head. “I..I’m not ready to deal with the past but I think I’m ready to have you be my present. And my future. If you’ll have me.”

He stepped forward tentatively and cupped Mark’s face in his hands. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “So sorry for taking you for granted. I’m so screwed up, I don’t even know if you still want me or if you should want me, but if you’ll have me...”

Mark cut him off with a kiss that was fierce and hot and intense and looked into his eyes imploringly. 

“Just hold me tight for a little while. Please just hold me.”

Rob wrapped his arms around him and held him close. 

“I’ll hold you forever if you like,” he whispered.

Mark trembled in his arms and started to laugh and cry at the same time because he was so happy Rob was going to stay but so scared he would end up changing his mind.

“Markie? You right?” Rob asked him worriedly.

Mark gave a nervous laugh and tried to shrug it off.

“It’s nothing, really. Every now and then I fall apart.”


End file.
